im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
