I heard we made out
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Hippo gnu deer
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
