I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
