I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
