oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
