The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
