Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
