So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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