this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
