Someone shit on the floor
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
