Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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