He asked me if I "almost moaned"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
