If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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