I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
