How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
