chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Sorry my hands just texted you
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize