Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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