I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I have feelings that need drinking.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
