I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I said "one day" and that day is not today
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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