dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
