She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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