i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
