I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
should my penis look like a turkey
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
