i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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