She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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