Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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