If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
