I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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