ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
