I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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