i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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