I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
