I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
