My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
