Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
