Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
