omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
