Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
