Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
