I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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