My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
