we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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