Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
