My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
