I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
