I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
