i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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