I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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