she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
