i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I didn't notice because vodka
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
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