My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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