i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I am available for nakedness
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
