She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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