dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
