last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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