Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
