The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize