i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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