giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize